Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
