Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
