So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
