Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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