i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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