And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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