I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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