ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
