I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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