somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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