i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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