Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
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