just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
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