I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
