you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
there was a trapeze. enough said
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
