I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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