I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
