I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
