my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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