I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
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i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
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I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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