I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
