you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Randomize
