Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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