12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
