the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i will never coherently bang her
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
