so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
