I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Randomize
