is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
