mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Randomize
