Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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