i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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