Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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