Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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