So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
