9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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