Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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