I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
and you fell through a lawn chair
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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