i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
