he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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