Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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