Your face is a jimmy john
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
