you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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