the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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