just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Man, jail baloney is awful.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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