Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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