Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
