My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
