Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
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