The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
