I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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