So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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