My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
