Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Randomize
