Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
