U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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