dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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